Yesterday was my 40th birthday. I spent the hour or two leading up to it in high anxiety. I was cantankerous, emotional and withdrawn from my husband & his advances. All I could think about was that my 30s were over, that after midnight struck, I could never say or think that I was in my 30s and that I was officially old. I was also terribly depressed and sad that my mom isn't here. She can't tell me the story about how I was born or tell me how proud of me she is or how much she loves me - all the things I've grown to expect to hear on my birthday. I always see her on my birthday for dinner or a party or the movies. I was thinking about what I would do, bring or say when I went to her grave later on my birthday. Should I bring flowers or a pointsetta? What would I say? Should I bring my makeup so I can reapply and hide that I'd been crying? Anyway...I wound up watching the movie The Family Stone towards midnight leading up to my birthday. It had been one of my favorite holiday movies but this year it was like watching a train wreck and I had to turn it off at the last 10 minutes so I didn't have to watch the mom die & what it was like for them to live with out her. I was already crying enough & my husband was sleeping.
I have been so withdrawn from my husband about how I've been feeling that I feel all alone in a dark cave of loneliness and despair. He's stopped asking how I'm doing or feeling. And whenever it does come up, I don't think he knows what to say or how to help so he comes across as apathetic. I had such a difficult time with midnight turning 40 that I didn't even wake him up at midnight as he requested to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't want to have to break down my walls and admit my awful feeling about it all. It was easier to hid it and pretend that I was ok and ignore them.
My kids all had places to be during the day & my husband had to go to work. All my friends weren't available to hang out with me, so I was alone on my birthday. It would have been a good day to go to lunch with my mom. I had errands in Federal Way (where my mom is buried) so I was going to run those and pick up some flowers and make my visit to the grave. Half way through my trip, I realized that I forgot to put the key under the mat for the kids to get back inside and I had to go home early - meaning that I wouldn't have time to visit the grave. But what surprised me was that I didn't feel guilty like I thought I would. A little disappointed, but not guilty. My mom wasn't going to be there to know if I had visited or not. She wasn't keeping score anymore and since I didn't tell anyone that I was going to go, no one was keeping score. It was my turn to be the Mom and take care of my kids. And after crying myself to sleep watching that sad movie, I realized that I didn't need to create a situation that would just make me depressed and sad. I didn't need to make a train wreck to watch just for the sake of keeping a date on the calendar. Yes, it's a little depressing that I didn't bring flowers or decorate her grave for Christmas. But really, who is that for? It's not for her anymore. She's dead now!! She won't care either way. And even if she can see what I'm doing , she can already see me suffering missing her on a daily basis. Anyway...it was a big liberating light bulb moment for me and I didn't look back.
Now I just need to find some a way to share all of this with my husband.
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