30 hours and counting

I have 30 hours left in my "30's".  

When I was young in the 1970s (which seems so long ago now), I often wondered what December 21, 2010 would look & feel like.  I thought that was So-Far-Away and that 40 was So-Old.  I imagined how many children I would have, how old they would be, what my job would be like, where I would be living, how I would feel about my life....

I didn't imagine that I'd be on my 2nd husband, learning how to be a step-parent, missing my children who only live with me 50% of the time, navigating life without my mother, preparing to know what it feels like to lose my sister to the Army base in Germany and about to start Weight Watchers again for about the 8th time in my life. 

I started this blog as a diary.  I wanted to be able to put my thoughts, feelings and fears out there so that maybe I could connect with others dealing with the similar life issues.  I'd like to stay unnamed so that I could speak freely.  I'm not even sure if anyone would read this! :)

My birthday is Tuesday & I will turn 40.  I terribly miss my mother, who died this past May.  We had a very tumultuous relationship the past several years of her life and I don't miss the drama, ugliness or the anxiety it caused.  But I do miss her being my champion, my biggest cheerleader, her adoration of me and my children and the long talks we would about life, parenting, faith, health, etc.  I learned from her that birthdays are a shared celebration between the person having the birthday and the woman who gave them life.  She annually would tell me the story of my birth, how it made her feel, how I changed her life and how proud of me she was.  No one will be here to tell me that story and I am devastated thinking about that.  I am excited and terrified of Tuesday.  I have a dark cloud following me and a pit in my soul that no one understands.  Not even my husband can give me the love and support that I need.  I dare say that I feel that he is apathetic to my feeling about it or doesn't know what to say.  I have only been to the grave once since her funeral and I am planning on going to see her on my birthday.  Morbid, perhaps.  But I'm feeling the need to be close to her and tell her our story.  I'll let you know how it goes.